


I'm going to hold onto it.

by ToxicPineapple



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Depression, Diary/Journal, F/M, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 13:07:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18073967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: "nah, i'd be okay if it was just nothing. no sensation. no thought. no feeling. just the sweet blankness of eternity."---A series of journal entries written by Shuichi as he works through his depression.





	I'm going to hold onto it.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE IS OPENLY REFERENCED AND DISCUSSED. DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM ARE OPENLY REFERENCED AND DISCUSSED.
> 
> Nothing is graphic but take! Care! Of! Your! Self!
> 
> This is a vent writing based on some of my own struggles with depression (I'm fine and talking to my therapist please don't worry rbdbdhbdbdbd) but that doesn't mean that you have to be comfortable reading it! So don't read it if it triggers you!!!! I beg of you.

[Entry one]

 

the biggest reason why i'm writing this here is because it doesn't matter where i write it so i might as well go with some journal that nobody is ever going to read.

 

i don't have anybody to talk to, so the way i see it, i'm both doing something for myself and keeping from bothering others by spilling my emotions in this book.

 

it's stupid that i'm even bothering with a preface. nobody is going to read this except for me, and i'm not going to be alive long enough to remember writing it.

 

i don't know how to say what i want to so i'll have to take a rain check for now.

 

[Entry two]

 

the worst thing about having a therapist is that my uncle is paying money for me to keep seeing a person who i refuse to talk to. to be honest, that's the only thing that i feel guilty about during our time together. the rest of it is spent sitting in silence and staring at the wall, so i guess i don't have much time to process.

 

ah, so, i guess i should explain something pretty significant. (not for any reason in particular, maybe just because i'd like to put the words down as i have never done before.)

 

i'm diagnosed with gad, which means generalised anxiety disorder, and also clinical depression, but most people just call it depression. i guess there's some sort of impression that something really garbage has to happen to you for you to have gad or cd, but actually, it's pretty common that they're genetic.

 

and sometimes they just manifest for no reason.

 

i can't really say what it is for me. i don't think they're the result of any big traumatic experience in my life, since i haven't lived long enough and the worst thing that's happened to me was mom and dad leaving, but i also don't think they're genetic.

 

then again, i haven't spoken to my parents in fourteen years, so i'll never get the opportunity to ask. not that i'd want to, if they were here.

 

my parents leaving really isn't the problem. i don't know what the problem is. things didn't used to be like this. i used to be normal.

 

i don't really want to say anything else.

 

[Entry three]

 

it's weird how much my therapist has been able to say about me because i haven't ever said anything during our sessions. i think i mentioned it before but usually i just sit there and she tries to initiate conversations.

 

i know, i'm a model of healthy coping mechanisms.

 

actually, it doesn't matter, because i don't see a point of working to feel better for a future i'm not even gonna reach.

 

[Entry four]

 

okay, i don't have cancer. or anything that's gonna kill me before i'm an adult. it's not like i have some disease that's going to kill me before i reach twenty. i'm actually doing pretty well physically, if you ignore the occasional meal skipping and (other obvious details that i don't need to brief myself on.)

 

it's a misconception that cd goes hand in hand with suicidal intent but actually not everybody has both. wanting to kill yourself is a pretty normal thing, i think. it's kind of bad but i'm sure everybody wants to die at one point or another.

 

the thing is though that a lot of people with clinical depression feel it all the time. any time. without anything happening to provoke it. just, one minute you're okay, the next you're contemplating running into traffic.

 

only, another thing that cd does is it makes you not want to do anything at all. i can't even get out of bed when i'm having an episode. so i usually can't summon the energy to go and tie a noose or whatever.

 

i won't go too much into it because i don't have bpd, but people who are bipolar are pretty scary because sometimes they get manic and that means tons of energy and motivation and _that_ means that they, unlike people with cd, can get up and actually do the deed.

 

also, therapists like to ask if you've consciously planned to kill yourself, rather than just considered doing so in an abstract sense. and i guess it makes sense because therapists are these things called mandatory reporters which means everything you tell them will be held in confidence unless you're planning to hurt yourself or others (another reason why i tell mine nothing) but also... isn't wanting to die so often already pretty scary?

 

i don't know if i'm in the position to talk about it like that.

 

but i was going to say, before i want off on a tangent, that i'm trying to get the energy and the motivation that i need to kill myself.

 

because i'm tired, and sad, and empty, and who would notice, anyway? maybe i'm just some edgy teen wanting attention, like my teachers told me when my grades first fell. if that's true, then they won't notice i'm gone, right?

 

[Entry five]

 

how many sleeping pills do i have to take to commit suicide? well, that depends.

 

the thing i have closest access to via my uncle's medicine cabinet is melatonin, and i've researched it; i can't kill myself with those. i think lorazepam or xanax might work but... it isn't confirmed that an overdose on lorazepam would be fatal. and, to be honest, using pills at all seems pretty risky.

 

i mean, it's the way kurt cobain went out, so it's pretty ideal, but i'd take efficiency over ceremony any day. i don't care if it's slow or fast or painless or whatever, i just want it to have a 100% success rate.

 

i could slit my wrists but that leaves my uncle plenty of time to come and save me. i could hang myself but i'd have to wait until i'm home alone and my aunt rarely leaves the house. getting hit by a car is pretty faulty- what if they stop? what if i survive against the odds?

 

jumping off a building could work, but there i run the risk of being stopped by security or well-meaning passerby. starvation or maybe thirst seems pretty effective, but my body might start reacting against my will whenever food and water are in the area. so it seems pretty slow.

 

i'd like to shoot myself in the head, if possible, but i don't have access to a gun. i'm a minor, and there's no way my uncle would hand me a firearm. he already tries to keep me away from blades, and that's for a completely different reason.

 

[Entry six]

 

i could pay somebody to kill me. do i have the money? not yet. but i could save up.

 

my uncle has been offering to let me work at his detective agency for a small pay. to see what it's like. i've been saying no because i don't want to get his hopes up, but... if i hire somebody to do it, i can't back out, and it'll definitely succeed.

 

and by the time my uncle finds out, i'll be dead, and they'll be gone. maybe i'll get a little bit of extra money, too, to make sure that he never finds out it was my choice to die. he doesn't need to know that.

 

[Entry seven]

 

my uncle is willing to pay me ten dollars a day, five days a week. after school on weekdays, basically, excluding the half days on saturdays.

 

so, if i work for six months, then i will have twelve hundred dollars. is that enough to hire somebody to kill me? six months is so long, though...

 

i should look into it further. i want them to be good, but maybe as inexpensive as possible.

 

[Entry eight]

 

i found a group that's willing to do it for six hundred, provided i give my body to them afterwards. well, it's not like i can really say no, anyway.

 

that's three months. little longer than i had hoped but i guess it's the best chance i'll have. i'm not going to say yes or no until i have all of the money. i should start working.

 

[Entry nine]

 

my uncle was so happy when i asked to work. he thinks i'm getting better. i feel guilty, but i have to do what i have to do. it won't matter in three months, anyway.

 

[Entry ten]

 

i had a pretty rough episode yesterday. ended up stealing a pencil sharpener and using the blade for things that maybe i shouldn't have. my uncle made me spend the evening at home instead of working, so three months and one week.

 

i need to work on seeming more okay. if i seem okay, i won't have this problem.

 

[Entry eleven]

 

so far, so good. i still have some urges but the endgoal is giving me something to look forward to, if that makes sense? it's pretty terrible that my primary motivator for the moment is my impending death, but oh well.

 

i wonder what will come after that. people talk about heaven and hell and purgatory and nirvana and all those other different kinds of afterlives but... i mean, i don't know.

 

i'll pass on going to heaven, thanks. sounds like more of the same for me. just being surrounded by people who don't need to care about me.

 

nah, i'd be okay if it was just nothing. no sensation. no thought. no feeling. just the sweet blankness of eternity.

 

[Entry twelve]

 

something weird happened today. a girl came in, i think she goes to my school. she came up to ask about a case my uncle is working, i guess for her parents.

 

then she looked at me, and smiled, like that's a perfectly normal response to seeing my face. (it's not.)

 

"you're shuichi, right? we were lab partners together last semester!"

 

i mean, i guess i remember that. i didn't know what to say but she was nice to me so i smiled at her, kind of eager to end the interaction. she talked to me a little bit about school, and our classes, but eventually she realised that she had to go and thanked me for my time before rushing out the door.

 

i didn't ask for her name, but i should've already known it, and anyway, it doesn't matter since i'll never talk to her again.

 

[Entry thirteen]

 

saw her again, at school this time. she walked up to me in the hallway and asked if we could walk to class together. apparently we have the same homeroom teacher. i didn't say anything and she took it as a yes.

 

that makes it seem like i minded but i didn't, really. it was nice to have somebody to walk with, even if she was just talking and i was just listening.

 

[Entry fourteen]

 

partner project in class today. she asked me to work with her, and we have an even number of students in our class, so i said yes. seems a better alternative to working with somebody who doesn't care.

 

huh, that's weird. does she care? i've been aware of her for a little over a couple days, so i don't see much of a reason for her to care about me.

 

i shouldn't lose any sleep over it though. it's all temporary anyway because i'm going to die in two and a half months.

 

i feel kind of bad acting like i'm going to be seeing her more than that but what am i supposed to tell her? no way she wouldn't stop me; she's too good of a person to just know about it.

 

[Entry fifteen]

 

kaede akamatsu. her name is kaede akamatsu.

 

[Entry sixteen]

 

she came to hang out with me at the agency today, and we worked on our project. she asked if i ever talk, and i looked away.

 

i feel a little bit nervous. she probably thinks i'm completely normal, if just a little bit quiet. i wonder if she feels offended or hurt by my prolonged silence. i hope not. it's not a reflection of her, my silence isn't. it's a reflection of me.

 

she's a hard worker though. very diligent. very organised. she focuses in on one thing and does it well before moving on to the next. and she encourages me, too.

 

i wonder if her parents raised her this way, or if it is just uniquely her. kaede akamatsu is a normal person and an enigma wrapped into one. i'm curious about her. i would like to know more.

 

but... i can't, because, in two and a half months, it won't matter, anyway. i've got to prioritise.

 

[Entry seventeen]

 

after classes yesterday she took me out for ice cream.

 

i haven't gone for ice cream with a friend before. i mean, i guess i've received an invitation before, i just chose not to go. too tired. too depressed. too unmotivated. too hateful.

 

but i can't say no to kaede. i can't say anything to kaede

 

i kind of wish i could.

 

[Entry eighteen]

 

she told me today that she really cares about me. i don't know what i did to deserve it. i don't deserve it. i don't deserve her.

 

[Entry nineteen]

 

i feel terrible but i can't find my knives and for some reason i feel bad for looking.

 

i haven't even talked to kaede about it so why do i feel like i'm betraying her by going to cut myself? it's not any of her business, she doesn't care, she doesn't know. she doesn't need to care or know.

 

i want to feel less empty. i just want something to fill my heart.

 

[Entry twenty]

 

one month left as of yesterday. i missed school on account of having a fever but i don't know how sick i really am. i just feel sad and empty and tired. maybe i am sick.

 

[Entry twenty one]

 

kaede brought me the homework from yesterday and today and ice cream and soup.

 

she's so nice.

 

[Entry twenty two]

 

i wish i knew how to cry properly.

 

[Entry twenty three]

 

it's kind of raining but im typing this anyway becaus eim out here on my phone and im aboht to call kaede but i dont know if its a good idea i just want to. italk to her. see her.

 

shes never heard my voice before i dont think.

 

i want her ti. i wsnt to talk to her. im so tired.

 

[Entry twenty four]

 

So, I've decided to keep on living.

 

I know it's cliche and it's been a month since I've written in here, but you know what happened in the past month, right, me?

 

It's a bit of a spur-of-the-moment decision and I'm not better, not by a long shot, but I realised that I want to get better. I want to take my meds and talk to my therapist and stop cutting myself every time things get a little bit out of control.

 

Also, I've been talking to Kaede (!!!) and I think I was wrong when I said nobody cares.

 

I'm not living for her, though, okay? So if something happens and she breaks up with me or I break up with her or we just stop talking in general, that doesn't mean I've lost my reason to live, and that doesn't mean that I should give up again. It just means we've changed, and I think that's okay. (Even if I don't see a chance of that happening from where I stand at the moment.)

 

But, I'm living for you, y'know, me? I'm living for myself. And for life. I want to give myself a chance. And I want to try to... to try to be somebody who doesn't let my GAD and my CD define who I am.

 

Oh, it's not going to be easy. I mean, it hasn't been, and it'll never be, and I doubt it's been from where I am as I'm rereading this. But that's life, y'know?

 

I'm going to hold onto it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll die for this ship.
> 
> http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
> 
> Seriously fucking,, take care of yourself???? Don't plan suicide??? I cannot stress this ENOUGH. Choose to LIVE goddamnit. I don't share any of the views expressed in this writing unless I'm having an episode.
> 
> If you or a loved one is contemplating suicide then don't take offense when I say GET SOME FUCKING HELP. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your struggle or getting help for it. It's okay!!!!!!! You're okay!!!! But don't harm yourself. Do not. Do not. You're too precious ^^;;;;


End file.
